Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Drawings from the 'Crowded House' show.

In other news, I'm so anxious I feel like vomiting and am fighting a sometimes crippling fear of failure.

I'm almost 26 years old! When am I going to start being a reliable, responsible human? I feel like I've been unsuccessful for so long that its never going to happen?

David Hanes said that Ryan Trecartin said that life is just about maintaining. I'd like to maintain a little bit better, thank you very much.

Also, sometimes its really hard to justify having a purpose, especially when you are like me and you can't entirely identify what that purpose is. Sometimes I know it so well, and other times I look around and wonder what the hell I'm doing, like, anywhere? Maybe this sounds kind of narcissistic or something but I always feel very on the outside of things. Like I'm kind of just observing life but not really participating in it. Even in groups of friends, relationships, my family. Its pretty rare that I ever get a sense of really 'belonging' or something and even still when I do it feels like I cheated, like I'm some sort of impostor.

Its not about being better or worse than anyone, either. And its not for lack of appreciating my friends or family or lovers I've had or anything like that. I kind of just feel a little lost and on the outside.

Is this a universal thing? Are we all a little like that Mersault dude from L'Etranger (plus or minus kind of being a sociopath)? What does it feel like to 'belong', to be part of something, or to really connect with another person? Is it just a moment or does it actually last longer than that?

Anyways, I don't really know, but I have to read some Clement Greenberg now so there's no more time for this kind of speculative dilly dallying. Also, on a more positive note, go see Shary Boyle's exhibit at the AGO. That lady blows my goddamn mind. She's the whole package.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

bean in the straw

Drawing I did for FCWC 2. I forgot that I forgot to put this up. I also did some colour screenprints of this image. I'll scan those later.

I've been ignoring this blog all summer. School starts tomorrow. I just got a fucking twitter account. I guess there's a lot to talk about, but I'm not into doing it right now.

Still serious about it all but fighting major life doubts, as per usual. Do you get blue in the summer? August blues?

I needed to sit in front of a lake for like at least a week. Read more books. Draw because I love to not because its my job. Call mom more often. Eat more fruit and less burritos. Learn how to fix my bike. Play an instrument and sing because I think maybe I could still be good at those things. Be on time for work regularly. Be better with money. Go to bed at a reasonable hour. Hang out with my sisters like they are the best friends they are, not like family members. Keep bugging my brother to talk to me, even if he doesn't want to. Put boys as last priority. Stay on top of correspondence. Cook food at home. Go for runs. Keep a journal, instead of random scraps of paper.

I can still do all this, right?